Last year was a year filled with lots of highs and lows, happiness, fun, laughter, sadness, frustration and pain.
I lost my mum at the end of the year, following ill-health. She was a humongous influence in my life. Even times when I thought I could do certain things better (oh the folly of teenage years), she was the catalyst to think and do the opposite.
Now that she’s passed I as if there wasn’t enough time, I didn’t articulate to her exactly how I felt about so many things. Did she really know how much of an influence she was in my life? Yes, in my adulthood I did tell her I loved her and thanked her for the sacrifices she made for my siblings and I. But did she really know the intensity of the love, that gratitude?
There were also times when I didn’t agree with all her opinions, her beliefs…times as a child growing up that I was hurt by her rules and when I still think of it, I still feel the hurt of those adolescent years and I would have loved to have talked it over with her; to ask her why she did or said certain things. But I never did, even as an adult when mum and I grew close, I didn’t want to bring up that hurt. Now I wish I did.
But now that she has passed, I’ve come to accept certain things. Like who she was, what she sacrificed for us to have the best education she could provide, the private tutors, etc. She wanted to do and did the very best, bringing us up in the best way she could. Did she make mistakes? Of course. Could she have done things better? Possibly. Only if she knew it was a better way. But she gave her children a solid foundation to build the rest of our lives on. She was very strict in our upbringing, she set a high standard and as an adult living in a very competitive world, I finally understand why she did certain things and I appreciate and love her more for having the foresight to do it.
So I’m letting go of all the negative feelings, the hurt of the adolescent years. Because she did more good than bad, she made me the woman I am and it’s a damn good thing as I know I’m fabulous
And compared to others I had a great and privileged childhood, which I am forever grateful to God and my mum for.
If you have any hurt or negative feelings caused by family and friends, if you can resolve it with them then please do. If you can’t because they’re no longer here, or they won’t acknowledge it or it would make things worse, then you must resolve to let it go. Let the negative feelings go, yes they hurt you, they could have done better, it didn’t have to be like that. Yes to it all, but you must let it go so that it doesn’t damage who you are and affect other areas of your life. Just let it go. It doesn’t matter how you want to do it, whether it’s through screaming, howling, praying…whatever method works for you as long as don’t cause harm to yourself or anyone. Whilst you’re letting go, you might want to sing the song…go on… you know the one I’m talking about.